I just want friends. Not having even one friend outside of home sucks.

My social life needs a re-vamp

This month I've realized I attract intense, flighty people. I guess that means that I make one friend at a time, and she's always a VERY great friend. She's always around, there for me, I let my guard down, I grow attached, we make plans, I get used to having her around. And then she's gone like a fart in the breeze.

I understand that I'm not a real exciting person. I'm not fake. I don't act a part I'm not, mostly just because I don't know how. Part of me is really glad I am true to myself. I know I'm honest, and I don't have to pretend anything. I am not going to fake a personality that makes me friends that I really don't give a shit to be around, just in the name of having people around. It just seems like an exhausting lifestyle to me, having different people, different cliques, different....masks.

The other part of me DOES want people around just for the sake of the company. I know these people don't generally like me for me. I certainly don't bring much to the table, at least nothing anyone is willing to give me the chance to show. I wish I could just play a part & suddenly have people in my life who want to be around me, that find my dorkiness & dullness endearing. Of course, if I could just pretend, all this would melt away & be buried inside while I have these "friends" by my side, and I'd be charming in some other way that I just can't pull out of my ass on my own.

I would like to have someone steady in my life, but maybe lots of tiny relationships steadily in my life could fill the void of even one solid friendship? Oh, wait, I think I have lots of these in my life. Or rather, in my phone....because they certainly never show up, let alone ever contact me to hang out or call.

Luckily for me, I have a good marriage. My husband knows that I have an intense relationship for awhile, and just when I think, hey, this person is going to BE here for me, he's here to pick up the pieces for me......every time. I guess I do have one solid relationship. One very best friend, who loves me for me (most of the time), who has seen me at my worst, and still wraps me in his arms every night & kisses me every morning. Sometimes at my loneliest, I just have to pick myself up, count my blessings, suck it up, and figure it out.

So, in conclusion, I'm going through an awful heartache now, but in comes King of my castle to scoop up the pieces. I may not have anyone to call on if he & I get into it here & there, but I do have someone wiping these tears away. And these are the worst tears, so maybe, just maybe, once the hurt fades, I will be happy knowing I never had to fake it for anyone.